Stars Die

“You know that old cliché about millions of deaths being a statistic while the loss of just one life is a tragedy? If that's true, what is it when you lose something that never even had the chance to be born?

I've had lots of relationships in my time, platonic and otherwise, but the ones I think about most are those that never quite made it to term. The dashing first date who didn't call you back. The lady on the train you had that amazing conversation with but never saw again. The cool neighbor kid you met the first time a week before he moved away.I guess I'm just haunted by all that potential energy. 

One moment, the universe presents you with this amazing opportunity for new possibilities...and then...” - Brian K. Vaughan, Saga

A few years ago, I had written a post about The Catcher in the Rye with one of my favorite quotes as its title - "Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." Although the post went on to talk about Holden's attitude toward life, I never did get around to addressing that titular phrase. After going on a reading spree the past few days, similar thoughts to Holden's emerged in my mind. What are the risks of putting yourself out there? Becoming vulnerable to others' judgments, rejections, reactions, etc? As an introvert, that sort of exposure sounds like a nightmarish hellscape that people like me avoid at all costs. 

Yet, conversely, what are the risks of walling oneself off to everyone else? I find myself pausing on that second scenario more that the first. I can do alone: a fortress of solitude - check; a self-sufficient hermit -check. And yet...and yet...I am drawn back to people by a need to learn and grow (with a little morbid curiosity thrown in there - what will these darn humans do next??) This desire to experience an expansion of my own boundaries - so at odds with my core temperament - makes me feel wholly uncomfortable and awkward most of the time - unless children or animals are present. The addition of players from either of those two camps helps the situation because the same boundaries have not been drawn. There's an openness to children; they haven't been ground down by their interactions with others to the degree adults have. Ultimately, most people are so set in their ways they're blinded to anything deviating from their anticipated norm. As an example, as someone with a lot of tattoos, I can tell you this "lack of sight" is no better illustrated than watching people's reactions to me when most of my ink is visible. My husband gets a lot of "cools" or "nice work!" - though as a woman with tattoos, unless someone IS tattooed themselves or knows women who are, I mainly get stares and side-eyes. To an extent, I am totally fine with that because it plays into the phenomenon of people leaving me the fuck alone. Yet, it can also have the effect of adding another barrier to the ability to connect, which is difficult to begin with for me.

The universe has presented us with so much, and decidedly NOT in the sense of a god/God putting it in our path. More in the sense that any of this is possible. That we're a "flash of light, in an endless night" and so is that person you met on the train. Or that coworker who's also REALLY into baking. Or whatever that connection was that you had with so and so. And so what? Are we supposed to deny those feelings of connection with others because society only allows us to have so many contacts? So many lovers? Such certain, specific configurations to our lives? Society was constructed by people for convenience; to create points of mutual understanding. Depending on the society, it might have also been created to control the masses. Can't these formations be questioned now? Can't we, as 21st century humans, create something different? Wasn't anyone paying attention to Rousseau? GAAH.

In last week's NYT magazine (yes, the obsession is real- I have no regrets), the feature article focused on whether or not humans should try to intentionally communicate with aliens. Surprisingly, people like Elon Musk and Stephen Hawking think this would be a poor choice- that we could inadvertently alert evil aliens to our existence and they'll swoop down and become our overlords. First of all, please, aliens, come and just take out as many of the powerful as you want. PLEASE. Secondly, am I to believe there are super-advanced aliens out there that can get their asses (space-asses) here quickly enough to enslave the human race, but haven't figured out how to find us in the first place? Hawking used the analogy of Cortes encountering the Aztecs. Well, yes, that was wholly awful for the inhabitants of the Americas, but Cortes and others like him were actively looking for places to conquer. If these aliens are waiting for us to send a signal, they're not actively motivated to conquer us -we've already done so for decades by using radio waves to broadcast information since the early 20th century. These are some lazy aliens.

Besides feeling superior to the most superior intellects of the current era for a few minutes, the other aspect of the search for extraterrestrial life that struck me as so mind-blowing was the same thought Enrico Fermi had about the situation - "Where is everybody?"It's likely that there are, or were, other forms of life in this vast universe (not to mention any other universes that may exist). Statistically we can't be the only planet with life. But we could potentially be the only planet supporting life right now. Other great civilizations could have risen and fallen billions of years prior to life on Earth in any form, or may be evolving to take shape sometime in the very distant future, when our own planet is past its prime and even the memory of humankind is relegated to the dustbin of time. Life is a flash in the pan not just for the individual, but for civilizations. Even stars die. So reach out and touch someone. Ha. Reach out to someone and let them know how you feel about them. Or do that thing you've put off forever, because who the fuck cares what your sister-in-law thinks about it? There are only so many opportunities for experience in our time here and we might as well use them.

Introvert seeking advice....?

Need some advice here:

Being a introvert is not something that seems to be very well understood by people who are not introverted themselves. I understand the extrovert and what makes them tick – does it make me able to be like them? No. But I understand them or at least I think I do. The introvert is much more difficult to navigate and I think probably has more subtypes or degrees of, although since I do not speak from experience, I am sure that there are degrees of extroversion as well. I think I finally have come to realize what my other introverted friends have meant when they've said to me over the years, "yea, I just need time to recharge and be away from people." I resisted that line of thinking for a long time. I thought, "nah, I'm so busy! I can't possibly be like that!" But yeah, I am, and I am coming out of the closet as someone who needs to get the fuck away from people sometimes before I go insane.

I assume that people think that I might be an extrovert since I am a teacher AND I have a high level of patience for annoying shit, but that is not the case. The first few days (or even weeks) of school are very hard for me. Not only do I have the back to school night with parents looming over my head, but the first few meetings with the students are typically painfully quiet. As a teacher, i usually detest quietness in my room. If it’s quiet, it’s awkward, yet even an atmosphere of awkwardness cannot bring me to really successfully engage in small talk. Awkwaaaaaard. Introversion has probably led me to miss out on certain opportunities in my life – from leadership roles, to friendships, to cool hang outs and parties, but generally, I am OK with that. I do not have an overwhelming sense or fear of missing out. My "fomo" factor is pretty low.

Recently I have been approached to take a leadership role in two institutions. This post is not to toot my own horn about being chosen. It’s actually to admit the following- I’d prefer to be left alone or to have never been asked at all. Same thing goes for praise or awards. It’s great to be awarded and flattering to be recognized for doing good work, but at the same time, I would prefer to just fade into the background. It’s weird that someone who has studied history for so long would really prefer to not be recognized for their merits, since I am talking about people who have been recognized for theirs day after day, but I think it actually makes sense. History: A Cautionary Tale. I have seen the damage that fame and power have done to many. The degree to which people change when exposed to recognition happens over and over again. I know that anyone could be corrupted. Even the most moral and reasonable of people can change. I am afraid that it could happen to me too. But I think the introversion is more of the driving factor here. I don’t want people looking at me, noticing me, and worse, criticizing me for actions I take. Is that cowardly? Maybe. I would see it more as making me so uncomfortable that I would be distracted from doing a good job at whatever it was that I was supposed to be doing. I actually have so much fear about becoming pregnant one day because of the amount of attention that it would bring to my being. People, strangers even, would stop to talk to me, ask me questions, etc. AHH!! Someone hit the panic button!

I can talk with the best of them, but I have to really know a person and be invested in the relationship. Like I mentioned earlier, if I have to make small talk, it is torturous. It’s not because I am mean or I dislike anyone, but more so because I just cannot deal with the awkwardness of having to restrain myself from saying things that I shouldn’t around “mixed company” – in fact, this is what makes me so hesitant when it comes to thinking about being in a leadership role. I might have good ideas, or even the ability to inspire people (*toooooot*vomit*), but I cannot fathom having to rein myself in even in the slightest. Again, is this selfish and uncalled for? Should I just grow the fuck up? I don’t know. But I do know that the discomfort that it would bring to me to have to bite my tongue makes me want to avoid situations in which I had to like the plague. I think the reason I love the British so much when it comes to their style of humor revolves around their ability to turn the rules of decorum on their heads while still being delightfully polite. 

I talk a lot about never fearing love and reaching out to embrace all mankind and all that jazz on this blog, but sometimes I really just want to kick someone's ass. I wonder if Gandhi ever said something like that. I dislike being associated with the word curmudgeon, but it's probably not too far off from my being true (on the inside at least). But that is probably the introvert in me - trying to exert some control over the situation by avoiding it. I not so secretly DO hate people sometimes. But I try to get over my hatred by acting kindly. I’d really truly love to be the swift hand of justice sometimes though and just smack someone who deserves it clean across the cheek with no chance of them retaliating. BAM! I’d LOVE to slap the stupid out of people, and I do, in my random rantings and in my mind. Like a slap for that lady who didn’t smile for 40 years to prevent wrinkles. SLAP! Or those people who didn’t vaccinate their children and then infected other people’s children with measles. SLAP! Or that state senator in Montana who wants to ban yoga pants in public. SLAP! Self-absorbed, self-aggrandizing, endlessly concerned with the wrong issues and causes....*sigh*
 But I have to try to not do that. And maybe just laugh instead.

So yeah, if you have any advice, let me know. I'm not interested in changing my entire nature, but I could use some tips to make life easier.