“Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.”

It's beautiful outside, but as I sit here, moping, I realize still rotten on the inside. Not rotten as in evil, but just a miserable fuck at the core. I don't want to be, it's just my nature to be "the misery chick" or whatever that means. Some of these feelings have already been expounded in previous posts. My internal sufferings are not always apparent to the outside world, nor do I usually allow it to affect how I treat others. My misery is my own to bear, not for others to deal with.

When I first read The Catcher in the Rye in high school, I fell in love with it. The book definitely has its detractors. "Holden is so annoying! Stop complaining!" Sure, it's true...Holden is a complainer, but you're also privy to his inner monologue. Pay attention to all the shit you think about all day - your first impressions, your endless judgments of everyone. You're just as annoying and you're probably an adult. At least Holden was a teenager, so suck on that.. Holden's experiences in the world around him are pretty standard except that he really notices how fucked up everyone and everything around him is. Everyone is wrapped up in keeping the system going, trying to maintain a level of normalcy for their own narrative. And here is Holden to tell us it's all bullshit. I definitely agreed with that in high school and it only got more real as I got older.

Also like me, Holden learned a lot about the world from being an introvert. He and I both seem to prefer to be on the outside, an observer of the world. Holden has respect for a few people in his life - his sister, his brothers, and two of his teachers. One of his former teachers, Mr. Antolini, drops THIS on the reader (before we find out he might be a creepjob): “Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them—if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry.”  Gorgeous.  And hopeful.  And seemingly influential because Holden does try to "do the right thing" throughout the book. He's a misanthrope, sure, but he's also principled enough to treat people with respect, even the people he dislikes. He doesn't even seem to dislike most of them THAT much. Holden just gets depressed that people can't see beyond their own nose. 

So that is where I am at right now. A Holden for the 21st century.