After reading this piece from the "Modern Love" column in the NYT - Romance as friendship - I decided I should try to write my own explanation of how I love. This has been kicking around in my head for a while, but it has taken some effort to articulate my thoughts and feelings on the matter. Saying "I love you" is no light task. If I've said it to you, I've meant it in a profound way and it's not something most people in my life will ever hear. In my first romantic relationship, my boyfriend said those words after a month of dating. Although I'm sure it came off in a bitchy way, I laughed in disbelief and said I couldn't return the sentiment...yet. It took me over a year to do so. Nearly half a lifetime later, I know that my way of loving (and expressing said love) is different from most. Of course today there's a label for every kind of love expression. If we want to get specific, I fall into the category of "demisexual" which seems to cover anything from nearly asexual to stereotypical sexual expression. Generally speaking, demisexual expression of romantic feelings is a slow burn - there's no "love at first sight" or immediate chemistry. The relationship progresses over time and usually meanders through a long friendship before the demisexual can ever truly feel romantic feelings for the object of their interest (I'd say desire, but that seems to not be the case).
Like the author in the article, those who are the closest to me friendship-wise, probably have, at one time or another, been an object of desire to me. Further reading on the "demisexual" way of love brings up the idea that such people are often "confused" about whether someone is a friend or a romantic interest. Well, yes, I guess that might be the case, but this explanation also tries to fit an unconventional way of approaching love into the more conventional box. Such a dismissal of love as confusion also elevates monogamy above other forms of expression - how can you hold romantic love for a friend and a designated erotic partner? Monogamy is the norm due to socialization - there are obviously many benefits to monogamous relationships, and although I am in one, I do not necessarily think they are by any means the natural expression of human desire (nor do I think having multiple partners necessarily is either). The expressions of human sexual desire and love are kaleidoscopic - multi-layered; a complex mix of elements we can never fully tease out to reflect a cut-and-dry explanation. Some expressions are obviously more preferable to others, especially for the stability of society and safety of its members. Although we has made great strides to be more inclusive, there is still room to grow. And I'm sure most people don't think they're wrong regarding their opinion, but I cannot see how, logically, there would be only one form of sexual expression. Naturally (and thus, evolutionarily), adaptation would lead to a spectrum of presentations of sexuality, just as it has led to variations in height, weight, eye, hair and skin color, etc.
