Need some advice here:
Being a introvert is not something that seems to be very well understood by people who are not introverted themselves. I understand the extrovert and what makes them tick – does it make me able to be like them? No. But I understand them or at least I think I do. The introvert is much more difficult to navigate and I think probably has more subtypes or degrees of, although since I do not speak from experience, I am sure that there are degrees of extroversion as well. I think I finally have come to realize what my other introverted friends have meant when they've said to me over the years, "yea, I just need time to recharge and be away from people." I resisted that line of thinking for a long time. I thought, "nah, I'm so busy! I can't possibly be like that!" But yeah, I am, and I am coming out of the closet as someone who needs to get the fuck away from people sometimes before I go insane.
I assume that people think that I might be an extrovert since I am a teacher AND I have a high level of patience for annoying shit, but that is not the case. The first few days (or even weeks) of school are very hard for me. Not only do I have the back to school night with parents looming over my head, but the first few meetings with the students are typically painfully quiet. As a teacher, i usually detest quietness in my room. If it’s quiet, it’s awkward, yet even an atmosphere of awkwardness cannot bring me to really successfully engage in small talk. Awkwaaaaaard. Introversion has probably led me to miss out on certain opportunities in my life – from leadership roles, to friendships, to cool hang outs and parties, but generally, I am OK with that. I do not have an overwhelming sense or fear of missing out. My "fomo" factor is pretty low.
Being a introvert is not something that seems to be very well understood by people who are not introverted themselves. I understand the extrovert and what makes them tick – does it make me able to be like them? No. But I understand them or at least I think I do. The introvert is much more difficult to navigate and I think probably has more subtypes or degrees of, although since I do not speak from experience, I am sure that there are degrees of extroversion as well. I think I finally have come to realize what my other introverted friends have meant when they've said to me over the years, "yea, I just need time to recharge and be away from people." I resisted that line of thinking for a long time. I thought, "nah, I'm so busy! I can't possibly be like that!" But yeah, I am, and I am coming out of the closet as someone who needs to get the fuck away from people sometimes before I go insane.
I assume that people think that I might be an extrovert since I am a teacher AND I have a high level of patience for annoying shit, but that is not the case. The first few days (or even weeks) of school are very hard for me. Not only do I have the back to school night with parents looming over my head, but the first few meetings with the students are typically painfully quiet. As a teacher, i usually detest quietness in my room. If it’s quiet, it’s awkward, yet even an atmosphere of awkwardness cannot bring me to really successfully engage in small talk. Awkwaaaaaard. Introversion has probably led me to miss out on certain opportunities in my life – from leadership roles, to friendships, to cool hang outs and parties, but generally, I am OK with that. I do not have an overwhelming sense or fear of missing out. My "fomo" factor is pretty low.
Recently I have been approached to take a leadership role in two institutions. This post is not to toot my own horn about being chosen. It’s actually to admit the following- I’d prefer to be left alone or to have never been asked at all. Same thing goes for praise or awards. It’s great to be awarded and flattering to be recognized for doing good work, but at the same time, I would prefer to just fade into the background. It’s weird that someone who has studied history for so long would really prefer to not be recognized for their merits, since I am talking about people who have been recognized for theirs day after day, but I think it actually makes sense. History: A Cautionary Tale. I have seen the damage that fame and power have done to many. The degree to which people change when exposed to recognition happens over and over again. I know that anyone could be corrupted. Even the most moral and reasonable of people can change. I am afraid that it could happen to me too. But I think the introversion is more of the driving factor here. I don’t want people looking at me, noticing me, and worse, criticizing me for actions I take. Is that cowardly? Maybe. I would see it more as making me so uncomfortable that I would be distracted from doing a good job at whatever it was that I was supposed to be doing. I actually have so much fear about becoming pregnant one day because of the amount of attention that it would bring to my being. People, strangers even, would stop to talk to me, ask me questions, etc. AHH!! Someone hit the panic button!
I can talk with the best of them, but I have to really know a person and be invested in the relationship. Like I mentioned earlier, if I have to make small talk, it is torturous. It’s not because I am mean or I dislike anyone, but more so because I just cannot deal with the awkwardness of having to restrain myself from saying things that I shouldn’t around “mixed company” – in fact, this is what makes me so hesitant when it comes to thinking about being in a leadership role. I might have good ideas, or even the ability to inspire people (*toooooot*vomit*), but I cannot fathom having to rein myself in even in the slightest. Again, is this selfish and uncalled for? Should I just grow the fuck up? I don’t know. But I do know that the discomfort that it would bring to me to have to bite my tongue makes me want to avoid situations in which I had to like the plague. I think the reason I love the British so much when it comes to their style of humor revolves around their ability to turn the rules of decorum on their heads while still being delightfully polite.
I talk a lot about never fearing love and reaching out to embrace all mankind and all that jazz on this blog, but sometimes I really just want to kick someone's ass. I wonder if Gandhi ever said something like that. I dislike being associated with the word curmudgeon, but it's probably not too far off from my being true (on the inside at least). But that is probably the introvert in me - trying to exert some control over the situation by avoiding it. I not so secretly DO hate people sometimes. But I try to get over my hatred by acting kindly. I’d really truly love to be the swift hand of justice sometimes though and just smack someone who deserves it clean across the cheek with no chance of them retaliating. BAM! I’d LOVE to slap the stupid out of people, and I do, in my random rantings and in my mind. Like a slap for that lady who didn’t smile for 40 years to prevent wrinkles. SLAP! Or those people who didn’t vaccinate their children and then infected other people’s children with measles. SLAP! Or that state senator in Montana who wants to ban yoga pants in public. SLAP! Self-absorbed, self-aggrandizing, endlessly concerned with the wrong issues and causes....*sigh*
But I have to try to not do that. And maybe just laugh instead.
So yeah, if you have any advice, let me know. I'm not interested in changing my entire nature, but I could use some tips to make life easier.
