When I wake up, especially for work, my exact sentiment is a Peter-Steele-Type-O-Negative bass utterance of, "I hate the morning (4:46)."But then I get out of bed, get into the rhythm of the day and think, "Fuck, I'm alive," and just start living the day. I'm frightened by the prospect of death sometimes, but then I realize that I'm living right now - it's the same sort of message as in the first scenario. I don't exactly know when I reached metaphysical awareness of this, although, I suppose it really began to click when I stopped caring if I died in the big picture sense of it.
And I think we get caught in trying to capture or understand the purpose/meaning to life and what we do, but then we can't. The entire journey is just that - one epic journey. It's been said so many times and is such a cliche in and of itself now. That's fine too. We gave meaning meaning in the first place - with the development of symbols (language, concepts, reason). Some people try to apply that to everything to reduce the jagged edges of life from appearing (and there's a time and place for ripping a paper along the perforation but fringies on a damn paper shouldn't bother anyone that much). But everything isn't smooth all of the time, which we have to remember (otherwise we go crazy).
The post-structuralists were all about this. Humans have tried to explain everything - so many of us are insistent on this point. We are seeking a level of perfectionism and understanding over everything. What a clever gilding! But it, too, is only a gilding - it doesn't last and can be peeled away.
Even the best meaning breaks down in the presence of pure fear, pain or love. So we, as a species, end up controlling our environment so much as to avoid: fearing an unknown, feeling an unabated pain, or experiencing true love for anyone or anything, including life. Here's an example from our society of all three rolled into one - American social norms make women feel as though not being married by 30 is somehow terrible, causing fear and anxiety to rise up. Once a woman is with someone, even someone who treats them poorly, they stay, to avoid pain of being alone and heartbroken. In the end, even for those truly in love, their intense feelings of affection are tamped down by a ritual devoid of any actual experience of individuality and spirituality.
There's a pattern throughout all of these posts - go out and live. Experience. Stop thinking sometimes. It's good for you. Cheesy as this is, once again, never fear love.
