Today I came across this post on a feminist news site I often read: Baby Showers Suck and I clicked on it because I kind of agree. I had a bridal shower (against my will) and the baby shower will hopefully be avoided (through many veiled threats to my mom - j/k, but seriously, don't plan me one....or else). I do attend and participate because, for the most part, it usually seems as though the recipient of said shower really does feel honored (haven't run across a bridezilla or momzilla yet), which is a great human sentiment to share in. However, once I read this article, my agreement ended with the title. The author's snarky commentary was off-putting and, frankly, uncalled for. Some of what was written wasn't even true. For example, researchers have studied and found that there's no such thing as the forgetful "pregnancy brain" she mentions. Perhaps the people this author knows that are pregnant are thinking about way too many things at once because, you know, THEIR LIVES ARE GOING TO CHANGE GREATLY. Their brains are more likely in overtime trying to figure out how everything is going to play out in the next few months. It has nothing to do with their hormones being out of whack, which, as the author is a female, you would think would be an offensive "diagnosis" to her too, though she goes on with talking about it and essentially reworks the old, "ah, you're just being hysterical," line to put down other women.
If you have chosen to live a life of being child-free, there are perks that go along with that. Similarly, if you have chosen a life of being a parent there are an entirely different set of perks. Both sides also have their negatives. If you engaged in a parallel life where you somehow chose the opposite of your original selection, you would trade one for the other, and, surprise! there are benefits and drawbacks to both....see the logic here?
Being nearly 5 months pregnant, I can say that my choice to have kids has nothing to do with you, fair reader. In fact, it was a choice my partner and I made in our lives. I am still a teacher, friend, coach, wife, student, et al,, that I was before insemination. In fact, what I would truly prefer, but what seems to be impossible for most people to be able to do, is that I be treated by you in the same way that I was before you knew. I'm not talking about every moment of my pregnancy, not sharing sonogram photos, not signing cards with my future child's name on it, or anything that might overly alert you to the fact that I am indeed with child unless you're looking directly at me (and even if I were doing those things, can't someone be excited in a different way from you? It's not for me, but it's also not WRONG). Unless I am in physical distress, I wouldn't want to be treated differently. Pregnancy is not a disability. Maybe I take things too far, because it would be a dream for there to be no comments about my body or "condition" on a daily basis, as there are now, but I am dealing with it because this is the nature of humankind and I cannot change them.
Similarly, a while ago, a former student, who identifies as transgender, told me he really wished that he could be left alone to live his life as he chose. Instead, everyone, including the wider gay community, felt a need to weigh in to tell him that he was "doing it wrong" (the "it" being dependent on the particular group's definition). I absolutely agreed with him. We discussed why the hell so many people feel compelled to constantly impose their way of life upon others, to be offended by the mere thought that someone might have decided to do something a little different with their lives.
Maybe it's insecurity or uncertainty that drives so many to constantly prick at others, but throughout my teen and adult years, I haven't been successful at entirely figuring out why the personal decisions of others are so open for discussion. Sure, everyone judges everyone else all the time - we naturally look someone up and down upon meeting them, consider their clothing, hair style, how they present themselves, etc. But we all do not tear down other's life choices with vitriol. I say and truly believe in, "you do you, I'll do me," sort of attitude. It's not judging your way of life, in fact, it;s freeing you to make that life your own, free from judgment by me. Yet, I have been told that my aloofness and general carefree attitude toward other's choices leads them to think I am judging them because I am not constantly validating their choices. The validation part just isn't how I roll. Especially if you're an adult I know, but even if you're my student. I have no authority to validate your choices! Hell, I don't even know what I'm doing most of the time. And that's OK. The typical theme of my posts is getting to the point of being OK with the uncertainty and the unknown. Sure, judging the crap out of other people is a big known - others will join in, you can find solace and security in knowing you didn't do what that idiot did, but it's also addictive. Eventually, you will need to constantly tear down others to get validation that what you've chosen is right. But, in reality, your "destiny" is still a big unknown, no matter how dumb that person in the cubicle next to you is.
