“The agnostic, the skeptic, is neurotic, but this does not imply a false philosophy; it implies the discovery of facts to which he does not know how to adapt himself. The intellectual who tries to escape from neurosis by escaping from the facts is merely acting on the principle that “where ignorance is bliss, ‘tis folly to be wise.” - Alan Watts, The Wisdom of Insecurity
Recently, I revisited Alan Watts through a series of Youtube videos and his book, The Wisdom of Insecurity. A point he makes and often circles back to is that we came from nothing- non-consciousness - before we were born, as we will return to such a state when we die. We had no anxiety about the nonconsciousness of pre-birth, so we should, logically, consider a similar state of calmness when broaching the subject of our death as well. There's nothing to "fear" as you didn't fear "being" into existence. How perfect an idea; though I am still filled with trepidation when I contemplate my own death, as I worry what others will experience. Therein lies the real rub for me - I get death. I don't want to die right now, but I also don't fear dying. The fear and anxiety I feel is more related to thinking about what those close to me would experience. Lack.
Although I've never considered myself a neurotic person, I definitely have gravitated and empathized, and, in cases, even been enamored with neurotics (it began with Woody Allen in my teens, yes, I know...THAT Woody Allen...and continued through to pretty much every character Michael Cera has embodied on the screen). Someone so filled with self-loathing from being a flawed human that even though they comprehend the "big picture," they're often so focused on the micro-perspective that they become wrapped up in the inanity of the mundane. Pretty much every episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" portrays this perspective. Larry is everyone's superego, but he's such a fundamentally flawed specimen, that the audience nearly always roots against him, whether or not they agree with him on principle. I'm sure the real Larry David isn't as abrasively awful, but his insights into our psychology as humans yields such levity and catharsis that, to me, it must be a sign of acceptance with himself and his own humanity.
Constantly, I strive for that degree of acceptance with the world around me, those who inhabit it, and most importantly, my own self. But since expectations, desires and reality seldom coincide, I am thrown into the camp of the neurotic more often than I'd like. My thoughts are numerous and hectic - new worries bubble up constantly. However, I can't live in that place of constant fear, so I consider myself a visitor to neurosis and definitely feel a connection to those who do live there. I've experienced anxiety about grades, weight, relationships, job performance - anything evaluative or comparative, so you know, everything (ha!). Then I had a child and dropped out of the normal rat race for a while. No performative measures because, gladly, I could largely avoid them and also chose not to engage or pursue them. Competitiveness dropped away, Liberation from the bullshit, even if only for a short window of time, totally wiped away years of furrows.
Sure, I'd had breakthrough moments previously, but carrying life and doing something so commonplace, and yet unique, was transformative to my worldview. After years of judging myself for performative acts, there was room to breathe and "be." Abject sadness that life was a simple as it possibly was when breastfeeding a child I had just birthed flooded me. How complicated our modern lives are! And complicated doesn't mean better. That was the real rub. That's what provoked the tears. We did this to ourselves - built layers atop layers. Nothing that we have added to the biological drives really amounted to anything more than just that -complexity. It's like bureaucracy - there's a sense to the system, sure, but the complicatedness of such a system serves nothing more than its own interests. If that system didn't exist, life might be more inconvenient in some sense, but life is life. Inconvenience is a part of life. Knowing such feelings as waiting, boredom, and even ennui, can in themselves be transformative for the human mind. Creativity flows
The entirety of the human condition is one that provokes neurosis in all of us if we dwell on it for too long. So we sort of have to shed a tear for what we will ultimately lose and what we've already left behind, and own our feelings, good and bad.
