Anarchism of the Soul

"Before his eyes in sudden view appear
The secrets of the hoary Deep - a dark
Illimitable ocean, without bound,
Without dimension...." - John Milton, Paradise Lost

I’m a virgo. Your eyes just rolled. It’s fine. I roll my eyes when someone tells me their star sign too. How bizarre to think the solar/planet alignment, time, season of your gestation and date/time of your initial entry into this world has any effect on how your genes express themselves or what your personality will be like. There's something about astrology that I can't dismiss entirely though -a systematized understanding of ourselves in a time before enough technological advances existed to deeply answer those questions of why we exist and are the way that we are. Religion is an example of that as well, when discussing the mysticism aspect of any faith. The hardcore adherence to orthodoxy is too clean cut, too much like an assembly guide to ever appeal to me. Not to say no rules, total chaos is key, Because that is a poor response to the question of why we're here too. It's lazy in a different way from following a litany of rules and checking endless boxes toward success - that isn't life as much as it is a really by-the-book sheet cake.

Personally, I’m not an anti-free will kinda gal, but the lengths to which the believers of human exceptionalism chalk any of our species’ advancements up to our own stolid self-determination and autonomy is directly proportional to the degree to which they’re a tool. We have free will, or at least the perception of having free will enough to concede that everything is not wholly deterministic. However, there are so many variables in the environment around us. It’s not so out of this world to believe that maybe celestial forces, even large scale, can somehow impact individual beings. Humans can explain a lot about the natural world, and in great detail. Unfortunately, even our most detailed responses to the metaphysical questions of 'why?' fall short. As an atheist, I find it amusing when I come to such seemingly un-atheistic conclusions. What I am objecting to in most religious dogma is the simplification and anthropocentric conceptions of the unknown. I detest an explanation that is specifically packaged to "make sense to me" as a human. The world/universe does not make sense in any widely understandable way that humans could ever be expected to grasp. That does not mean curiosity should be quashed and explanations not pursued. It does mean that spending a lot of time building up the rules of engagement based on those discoveries only serve to oppress and confuse.

For a long time, probably a good decade, I lived in a space of being a simulation of myself. A projection of what I wanted to be seen as out in the world. It affected choices I made on very personal levels. Throughout high school, I spent a lot of time by myself because it was easier than pretending to be something I was not. And even though authenticity has always been a core value, there’s something that was inauthentic in me from ages 19 to about 30. The obsession to be in control over all aspects of my life made it difficult for me to recognize my own self worth, which was inclusive of imperfections that were interpreted as fatal flaws, making me unworthy of love. It led me down roads of controlling my weight to unhealthy extremes, making “rational” choices over intuitive ones and leaving me, at 37, wondering what the fuck I was thinking. After having a child and just learning to accept myself more readily, my life has felt fuller and more meaningful. Yes, because of her presence in this world as a little being making her way, but also due to the immediate connection with the more animalistic nature of one’s self that was laid bare during pregnancy and childbirth itself. There’s no pulling punches that you’re an animal in the throes of childbirth. Control floats away - there’s less ability to keep up the facade of human society. Through trial and error I have come to see there's a beauty in putting oneself out there. A beauty that is missing when one never moves beyond the tight, controlled circle. Hermetically sealed perfection isn't life in the end. It's a performative exercise that limits human capacity for creativity and an understanding of truth.

Ultimately, I have begun to advocate for an anarchism of the soul. Such a belief would allow for exploration of our "selves" as both an individual and a species. Self-discovery, self-empowerment and trust in the intuitive core of the self would come to be essential to life. As an acolyte of soul-anarchism, one would need to balance utilizing the abilities and skills within us to express what it is to be human. We have become so enamored with the capacity of our own minds to create and expand our boundaries that we're literally killing our planet to prove how advanced we are; not to mention the hubris we have to think we can bring our planet back from the brink. There is no "bringing it back" because we don't actually have control over forces way larger than ourselves. The most we can hope for is the ability to experience the now that is here for us, but within that, to realize that if we act solely with hedonistic, narcissistic abandon, we actually work against our own survival. 

Physics, the Universe and God

This is a part II to the previous post, which I felt was incomplete, but that I posted anyway because I couldn't quite figure out how to reconcile what I was really relaying. 

I have been reading a lot of science-based non-fiction lately. It started by watching Cosmos which re-ignited a piece of my brain that had laid dormant for a while - scientific inquiry. I always really liked science in high school. Science AND math actually. They provide answers to problems in a tidy way that just makes you feel accomplished. I have been waaaay out of that scene for a while though, so my skills of actually completing any sort of mathematical equations would be very compromised at this point without some serious remediation.

The book I am currently reading on this subject, "You Are Here: A Portable History of the Universe," by Christopher Potter, is more of a history of science, specifically science dedicated to understanding the universe. The author was in a related field, but personally had some issues with understanding his "place in it all" and the point of what he was doing. And I think that philosophical inquiry regarding our understanding of, well, our understanding of everything, is key to actually being able to understand! Haha. Confusing. But Socrates was able to formulate this idea over 2,000 years ago too - All I know that I know nothing. We've come further into our knowing, but we still don't know anything. It's like we have gathered more puzzle pieces but we still don't know what the puzzle will look like once we snap them all together. Hell, we have like half a face and 3/4 of the border and we're still squinting at it like a damn magic eye picture, trying to figure out what the fuck we're looking at (also, for the record, I can't see ANYTHING in those magic eye pics, so I might be useless when it comes to figuring out what the universe IS or ISN'T). And I am not saying we shouldn't be collecting those puzzle pieces. We just can't get bogged down that the puzzle will solve ANY earthly concern for us in the grand scheme of things.

Potter discusses the "standard theory" of the universe and how messy it is. How it can almost be nothing in the end since it's so nebulous and seemingly disjointed. I haven't finished the book  yet, but even so far throughout, he has been pointing out how little we really know. Or how un-definitive our attempts have been to make sense of the universe. We have the atom, we break it open. We have the smallest particles we think we can find, we find smaller ones. We have anti-particles, theorized particles, and a slew of unanswered questions cropping up for each question we do happen to answer.  The physicists looking for a "unifying theory" are looking for "god" in numbers. And it strikes me as funny because I doubt they'd believe that to be true, but it's why someone like Sam Harris is so laughable to me. I can't take this genius of neuroscience seriously when he talks, and especially when he criticizes religion and spiritual leaders, because he's so full of shit. He's positing a new vision of god - just one that he can back up with numbers.

Math is the "universal" language, but it's not something that exists out in the wilds of nature. It's a recognizable pattern that HUMANS imposed on something that has existed without explanation since before our appearance on this planet. So what if the Fibonnaci sequence makes sense with this series of numbers? We figured that out after the fact of its existence. Nature is the ultimate existence precedes essence.

Once you stop looking for god in math and science, in spiritual realms, in others, even in yourself, that's when everything starts making sense because you realize that nothing does. The unity is the experience of living more than anything else. From person to person, those experiences aren't ever the same, and will never be- so the endless judgments we cast only makes our shared interactions painful. But we can overcome these tendencies somehow. I have a hard time knowing exactly how. I keep trying to express love and understanding, only to find myself getting stuck in the rut of a hate-fest and cycles of frustration and despair. What I keep coming back to is that ultimately, the goal is to live and not simply to avoid death, which is a scary thought because living entails risks and potentially death. But if I cozy up in my home eternally, or even just never extend myself to try and break down walls both physically and mentally between myself and others, well, then what good am I? Any suggestions are welcome.

The Final 14 Seconds of the Cosmic Calendar

I've written a bunch of posts on spirituality, the meaning of life, humans and human interaction, and yet, I continue to gravitate toward the subject. The learning is never over, and while watching the finale of "Avatar: the Last Airbender" (yes, the children's cartoon series), I was reminded of my queries all over again. I am going to quickly recap the moral struggle faced by Aang in the last episode:
The main character, and the last airbending nomad alive, Aang, is conflicted over how he will be able to defeat the scourge of humanity that is the Fire Lord. This guy is so in need of an ass-beating, it's insane. Everyone knows it, yet no one is powerful enough to defeat him except Aang, but Aang is doesn't want to kill him. Aang's crew, even his true love, Kitara, all want him to kill the Fire Lord to save the world. Conflicted, Aang, sleep-swims (?) to an island off the coast of the beach where he and his posse have set up base. When he wakes up on the island, he realizes that it's moving. He's far away from his friends, but tries to use the time to meditate and to reach his former lives. Even his past incarnations as the Avatar, including the previous airbender avatar, all ask him to consider sacrificing his convictions to save the world. Their arguments are based on ridding the world of evil and injustice, and rooted in utilitarianism. Logical and based in their own experiences as the avatar, Aang cannot deny their wisdom, but also cannot accept it.

Finally, he confronts a truly universal master, an ancient Lion-Turtle, whose back Aang has been riding on (it's so massive, it's an island). The Lion-Turtle, once a guardian of humanity,  had something very interesting to impart on Aang, "The true mind can weather all lies and illusions without being lost. The true heart can touch the poison of hatred without being harmed. From beginningless time, darkness thrives in the void, but always yields to purifying light. In the era before the Avatar, we bent not the elements, but the energy within ourselves. To bend another's energy, your own spirit must be unbendable, or you will be corrupted and destroyed." 

Aang literally "sees the light" as the Lion-Turtle shows him how to bend pure energy. In his final battle against he fire lord, when given the opportunity to kill him, he does not. As any real villain would, the Fire Lord interprets this as weakness and tries to destroy Aang. Yet, Aang ultimately is able to bend the Fire Lord's energy to remove his ability to bend fire and wreak havoc on humanity. He takes away the Lord's abilities instead of killing him, leaving him to think about his abuses of power until he understands and accepts what he did. 

I agree with Aang. I don't think I could kill someone even if they were evil and destructive. It's not my place to wield power like that, nor do I think it's any human's. Today we couch our killing in legal language to sanitize it, take the "messiness" out of it by ensuring no blood is spilled (in the US anyway), and call it "capital punishment." It's still expunging another life and it's still against most everything that is preached in every religion and moral code employed by humankind. Killing is killing. The STATE killed Murderer X, but we are the state. It's not some sort of external entity that we passively watch, although many of us do act like that. 

My beliefs in this are only further strengthened by something that I saw/heard on the science program "Cosmos." Host Neil deGrasse Tyson was walking along a "cosmic calendar" to put into perspective universal versus human existence. Only in the last 14 seconds of the cosmic calendar do ALL recorded human events (re: history) exist. He says something so simple and yet so poignant, that I can't stop thinking about it. All the heroes, kings and queens, anyone we've ever known or have heard of, all did it in the last 14 seconds of the cosmic calendar (here's Carl Sagan saying it - and it makes me cry every fucking time). Wow. No, like seriously contemplate that. Wow. Recorded history is 14 seconds of almost 14 billion years of time. And to even understand the whole of what brought you (yes, YOU) here right now, is almost unimaginable.

How many twists and turns every atom that makes up your presence has gone through - how many life cycles of birth, death and rebirth (in some way), each particle, each cell has experienced to bring you to be here had to have happened an infinite number of times and could have turned out a similarly infinite number of ways. But it didn't - because you're here now. And I think that just makes me wonder what the hell we ARE doing - as a species, as a society, as individuals. ON ALL LEVELS. We're here because we're here and now what? We've been awakened to the vast beauty of the world around us only recently, and have squandered so much with our careless touch - even the destruction of ourselves.

And an argument for killing (notice I didn't use execute, or remove, or get rid of, but kill) rapists and murderers is that it's impractical to provide for them for the duration of their lives since they've wronged others. And yes, it's impractical if the key point of human society was to be efficient and tidy. But is it? The Nazis were pretty efficient. And no, I'm not conflating capital punishment with genocide, but utilitarian arguments have the same cold edge to me no matter the scale.

So now what? Way back in my first post, I joked that we needed a fascist of love to spread a new message. But I really don't think forcing anyone to do anything will ever work. Again, it's a clean and efficient way of working - force submission and expunge the outliers, but it isn't sustainable. It breeds more problems than it solves. Aang's crew, all those who supported his power, but questioned his sanity when he could not use it to destroy, were converted into believers when they saw how his choice played out. He didn't destroy the destructive force. He took away its power and yet showed acceptance of its existence. Maybe those "evil" beings that use their power for wrongdoing and self-gain need to experience the removal of their power, whether it be physical strength, intellectual acuity, money, et al. To sit and realize that they're HUMAN just like everyone else. That their power will fall one day - to another, stronger power, or even just to mortality. Our desire to create a name for ourselves, to live forever in the annals of history is laughable when we put it in perspective - the final 14 seconds of 14 billion years of time. And those 14 seconds won't mean much if humans aren't around to continue to propagate the message through time and space. Seems so futile and desolate if you look at it from an angle of self-preservation, but freeing and beautiful if you consider that you even got a chance to play at all.